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Feeling lonely + Friendships

Loneliness is something I struggle with very often.

I don't really know what it is that makes me feel so lonely. It used to be worse - it has became better more recently as I have become happier in myself.  It's a strange feeling that's hard to describe, it's almost like there is no one else there for you. No one you can relate to, no one who is enough like you to enable you to connect with them.

I have always just wanted that 'other half'. I don't mean in the relationship way, I just mean in general life. A best friend, someone who you are so close to. Someone you can tell anything to, and they can tell anything to you. Someone who you love so much, and they love you so much too. Someone who feels the same way about you as you feel about them. That close.

I used to have that - a long time ago. From the age of 2, to the age of 12. I had that kind of best friend. Someone who was around my house constantly, as I was theirs. Someone who was practically my sister, and my mum saw that and she was practically her daughter. But as they say, all good things come to an end, which they did. This had a huge indescribable impact on me, like a part of me had died - like she had died. It was almost like I was grieving. She didn't die, and she isn't dead now,
but she isn't part of my life. So I lost that back then. I have eventually got past that - 3 years later.

So for the past couple of years, I've had a few friends - some bad, some really good. But nothing ever compared to that long 10 year friendship I had before. Nothing felt good enough, even though they were good people, they never seemed to put effort into our friendship. I still don't know whether they were putting effort it, or if it just didn't seem like it because I was used to such a terrific amount before.

My mum has her partner, my brother has had a few girlfriends or his mates, but I didn't have anyone. I started to forget what it felt like to have that love, that kind of love where someone really needs you in their life, as much as you need them.

When I met my internet best friend, things changed. I had that person at the other end of the phone, who was so much like me. Who was easy to talk to, kind, forgiving. The only thing is she lives across the English channel, and I live in the north. We still haven't met, and I just wish things were different. I wish she lived close, so we could meet up and do all the friendship like things I wish to do with her. I feel as if we had actually met - and saw each other regularly, we would be best friends, and she would be that other half. Therefore, I feel as if I have missed out - and that gets me down.

Someone new has come into my life recently. A new friend. She is one of the nicest people I have ever met. She is ever so friendly, and caring, and she makes me feel special, that feeling I described where someone actually needs you in their life. But believe it or not, this does kind of make me feel bad at the same time. I have I lot of issues with myself, and I feel like I am not worthy of her. I feel like she has her other friends, and I shouldn't intrude. She has told me many times that I am wrong and she's so happy to be my friend - but any friendships after my 10 year one, just don't feel right. I still feel committed to, lets call her A to prevent any confusion, I still feel as if A is my all time best friend, even though that ended a long time ago. Lets call my internet best friend B and my new friend C.

I don't know if I'm making any sense here. Me and A were just so close, any one just doesn't live up. That sounds terrible and I wish it wasn't like that, but it's so hard to realise that people want to be my friend, just because they don't act like A. I hope I am making sense. I want to be great friends with C, she makes me so happy, and I hope one day I get that feeling back - the one I had with A. And, to be completely honest, she does make me feel like that more and more now, she says things that do make me feel so special.

From the way I am talking, it sounds like I love A so much and I would do anything to be best friends again with her. But no. I don't want to. That might be shocking, but she ruined my life so much I could never forgive her. She caused me so much pain and I will never look past that, just to make that clear.

I also hope I will meet you B. You know who you are and you mean so much to me.

Moving onto D, (no sexual innuendos intended!!!) my best friend at the moment. I love her very much, but our friendship is different. I don't see her that much. We used to be very close, but I guess we drifted apart. She got in with new people and I guess we might not be as alike as we used to be. I miss our old friendship. I still class her as my best friend, but things change, people grow. (Thumbs up if you noticed that Pretty Little Liars reference)

I love you, B,C,D. And even A, a bit. Even though there is so much water under the bridge, we were so close for 10 years, and I can't just erase that from my memory.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx
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