Random Rambles – Damaging relationships & escaping
I want to briefly touch on something so huge one today. It’s something I hate to talk about so I’ll keep it short. Not sweet though...
If people like me to talk about these things, then maybe I will go into it a bit more, either in a video or another blog post. Just let me know any (advice based) questions you may have and I’ll either answer them on my blog or YouTube channel.
Anyways, what I did want to talk about is damaging relationships and what they can do to you. First off, they obviously damage you, but they don’t and won’t ever define who you are. That’s something I struggled (and still struggle) with greatly as for a huge portion of my life I was linked to that person, both positively and negatively. It was me & them. Them & me, and that’s something I still struggle to overcome.
I felt so tied to this person/romantic interest for so many reasons. One of which is because I spent 6 years of my life “on and off” with them, meaning a lot of the time people associated us with each other. Because of my anxiety and the way my relationships work with people, I can often have tricky bonds with people, and I feel a lot of the time that this is down to this person.
In those 6 years, I didn’t try to see anyone else, I didn’t try to have fun or make those crucial mistakes you should make at a young age to teach your essential life lessons. I was comfortable – for whatever reason – which makes me feel as though it almost haltered my social skills.
I say I was comfortable – which is ridiculous. How can someone feel comfortable with someone who emotionally abused them and left lasting damage? That was tough to type but it’s the truth – I think when you just get so used to something – good or bad – you just deal with it, as sad as it sounds. Especially if you’re a creature of habit like me, who loves routine and familiarity.
Funnily enough however, I love exploring and seeing new things, travelling and going to places where no one knows me. I think my past relationship actually pushed me this way. Sounds weird, but the main reason I love travelling is because I can get away. Get away from those familiar faces that remind me of the past and feel like I’m somewhat free.
Let’s just say I still live incredibly close to this person, so I still see them a lot. And even though I hate too, and much to my friend’s and family’s dismay, I can occasionally feel that pull back to them. I never give into it initially, but it seems they just know when I’m feeling like this, and they just worm their way back in. Getting away means I won’t see them, and at least for a few days I can escape and feel happier.
Over the past few months, things have been harder with them, really hard, I won’t shed details as it is incredibly personal, but I just have to say these things somewhat out loud to remind myself that I can keep going – regardless of whatever they try to do to stop me.
I don’t know where I am going really with this post. All I know is that it is very therapeutic for me to get all my words out on a page. So much stuff builds up inside of me, and occasionally to relive that I need to word-vomit somewhere.
A lot of the time I actually write letters to people that’ll they will never receive, just to get all my thoughts are. I find I never say what I want to say to their face, so this is the best way to do it when I can collect my thoughts in a more organised manor.
People are shitty but we don’t have to be.
Bye for now,