University. Travel. Wellbeing. Beauty. Life.

Being honest

It's March 12th as I am writing this, and it hasn't ever looked more wintery outside. Around this time last year, I was writing a blog post about how it was finally spring, and how I was feeling proactive and productive as the seasons had changed. The weather was still bad though - snow blizzard after snow blizzard and freezing temperatures. Today it is raining like no other, a sudden downpour as I came into University.

Today I am not feeling proactive or productive. I am feeling ill, exhausted and to be honest, just drained. You know when you feel tired, but the word tired doesn't cut it? It is something that sleep can't fix. It lingers and it seems like there is nothing I can do to feel better.


I am busy - who isn't? I am at University, studying. I work part time, and then I do all of the YouTube and blogging stuff. It's a lot, but I know it'll all be worth it in the end, so that is what I am trying to remember. I know that being at Uni and studying is going to get me the degree I want - so I've made peace with that. I know that working at my part time job was the best opportunity I have ever been given - so obviously I've made peace with that. I know that doing YouTube and having my blog is what I love - so again, it is easy to make peace with that too. Sometimes it can all just seem overwhelming, even though everything is great on the surface. This then all comes along with a feeling of guilt - you feel guilty for letting the good stuff get you down.

I just need to find my flow again. I need to get back into that positive, go getting mindset. I am doing the go getting, don't get me wrong, I am getting what needs to get get. (Lol) But I just don't feel like I am going about it in the best way. I am procrastinating more than ever, I am getting distracted every time I try to concentrate. I've never been able to fully switch off, and I feel like I need to now more than ever. You know when your TV or computer is broken so you turn it off and turn it back on? I wish that could be done to me. A restart. If anyone knows how, do let me know.

The biggest indicator as to when I am run down is when I get I get physically ill. I rarely get ill from germs or traditional viruses I feel. When I am ill, it is usually because I am doing too much.

I am going to Barcelona in about a month and I cannot wait. I feel like this will be my opportunity for a break. Its at the beginning of the Easter holidays for Uni, so hopefully I will have gotten most of my coursework done. This Uni year is a strange one, we break up for Easter for 2 weeks, come back, and have 2 days of Summer term before finishing for the actual Summer. That means there's not a lot of time left in this semester at all - that is slightly anxiety inducing if I am being honest. This whole blog post I am just being honest. Kind of in the hope that if you're in the same situation, you'll find some reassurance in my own rambly words.

Once the semester ends at the start of May, I am staying in Derby to continue my part time job until my rent is up in July. I feel like this will hopefully be a good time to regain focus. I will be able to dedicate time to myself along doing what I love (my job) as well as fitting YouTube/blogging in alongside it. Once July rolls around, it will be summer, and hopefully I will be laying on a beach somewhere. But we'll see.

Writing this blog post, as usual, has been so therapeutic for me. I already feel better for getting all my words out onto the page. It's a relief, even if I did have no readers, it still feels like a weight off my shoulders.

I get SAD - no, not sad, but kinda. Seasonal affective disorder. I believe I have mentioned this in the past. My depression gets worse in the winter months, and for the past few years, it feels like winter has gone on forever. Thus me feeling worse for longer. The longer, lighter days and the sunshine always makes me feel better. We had a slither of warmth a few weeks ago, and it reminded me that things will pick up. I can not wait for the next few months. There are lots of cool things happening, and I am trying to remember that.

I am going to leave this here before I go on forever. I just feel like sometimes, it is so important to be honest with how you're really feeling. For yourself, and you're own state of mind, but also, just in case it resinates with someone else. We're all in this together. I swear I always find a way to include a High School Musical reference.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx
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