Taking life one day at a time | #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek

This past month has probably been the hardest month of my life


And that's saying a lot, especially considering I've more than likely typed out that exact sentence on this exact blog before.

One of those months where I can't even preach, "everything happens for a reason", because I cannot think of a single, good enough reason to explain why I am dealing with what I am dealing with currently. Or why I am seeing the people I care about the most going through what they are currently going through.

It's a never ending cycle. That's what life is. The ups and downs and the constant roundabouts.

Like a hamster wheel, that just won't stop, or a maze, that you just can't escape. Everything just keeps going, yet for some reason, you can't move forward. You're not getting anywhere, so what's the point? Every time you try to progress, you just trip, or fall, or get even more lost. You just have to stay, exactly where you are, for the time being at least, and just pray that it will slow down, someone will turn the hamster wheel off or come and show you the way out of the maze.

Nothing is ever easy and I accepted that a long, long time ago. Yet when I accepted that, I didn't think I was acknowledging nor welcoming an abundance of difficulty into my life. I am not here to be all "woe me", I don't even think I have to explain that at this point. My readers, know that my aim has always been to talk about mental health in a candid, authentic way, that doesn't feel pressuring or triggering. I have always just wanted it to feel like you're talking to a friend when reading my posts, and if you takeaway anything, you takeaway the fact that there are people going through similar to what you're going through, and that you're never alone, despite even myself feeling like I am a lot of the time.

As usual. I can't and won't divulge into why my life has been the way it has been recently. The reason I don't disclose a lot of personal information is because a lot of the time, the things going on in my life involve and impact others. My blog is here for me to talk about me, and how my mental health impacts my life, not to tell you other people's issues and how they are affecting me. In the past I have of course mentioned people anonymously, alluding to their participation in my life, but with current issues especially, it doesn't even feel right to do just that at the moment. I respect people's privacy too much.

I will say 3 things though.

1) You never, ever know what people are going though. And that's okay. We're often made to feel bad for not knowing stuff that we could never know, if that makes sense. I can't expect sympathy, or care of others if I don't explain what's going on, to at least a certain extent. I am happy with that, because I like to keep boundaries (in real life, and online) and the people who matter the most know what is currently going on in this crazy life of mine. I am opening up somewhat here, for reasons stated above. (reminders that there are people going through similar to what you're going through, etc, etc) not for sympathy, but I think that's pretty clear.

2. It does sometimes feel a little strange being kind of cryptic about what's going on, but I know that I have always been confident with the way I separate my personal life and the personal lives of those around me with my online blogging/vlogging world. Just because I signed up to basically pour my heart out 24/7 and share a significant amount, my nearest and dearest didn't. I don't even share that much about myself in the grand scheme of things. I'd say I have shared about 10% of my life online, and within that percentage I haven't told the whole story if that makes sense. And as reiterated above, that's okay, that's no one's choice other than my own and no one is entitled to anymore information than that.

3. I am taking life one day at a time. It really sucks at the moment, life does. Like really sucks. Usually when I have shit going on, there's a light at the end of the tunnel, or a silver living. There's usually a solution I am striving for, something to remind me that this will get better. However, one particular thing that is going on right now (that I probs will address eventually) isn't going to get better. It's going to continue to get worse and worse, like a black hole. A black hole that sucks you in, and little by little takes more of you until you feel like you've lost yourself completely, and thinking about that, makes you scared, anxious, uneasy and sad. Sad that you can't see that light or that silver lining. Sad that you feel like you'll never truly, feel "normal" ever again.

That all sounded very depressing, but I guess that's just the way it is. With that though, I am just trying to remind myself of how strong I am, or have been forced to be. I cried to my mum the other day, telling her that I hate being this strong. It's what people describe me as, and I just don't want to be strong anymore. It's too draining and too exhausting and I just don't want to have to be strong. Because I don't want what is happening to be happening and if it wasn't happening then I wouldn't have to be so fucking strong. And breathe. See what I mean?

I feel like right here is a good place to end this post.

Disclaimer. I will be okay, eventually, in time. I have solid people around me. I have had to be reminded of that, but I know. <3

Whilst bringing this post to a close, I realised that it is actually #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek. So I hope this post has done that? Brought awareness to such an important issue.. Sharing my story is my choice, something I do in the hope that it will help others, in one capacity or another. I won't shut up about it, I will try to always do my part, in whichever way I feel comfortable doing so. Not everyone is comfortable with sharing right now, and that's fine too, but do keep talking, keep talking about mental health and keep talking to others about the obstacles you're facing, This world needs you. Don't forget that. I am trying not too.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx

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