two thousand and nineteen

Every year I get excited to sit down and write this post. I get excited to go through my camera roll and look back at all the memories, and talk about what happened each month. This year has been different. I tried to write this post like I normally do, going through every month, and ultimately failed.

It has been a whole struggle. Like big time. I feel like it's because as I was writing it, I was reliving times that I didn't particularly want to relive. Like I knew what was coming, and it's taking me back to a dark place. January, February, March, April... they were pretty good. I travelled to Barcelona, I was looking forward to my trips to Rome in May and Gran Canaria in the Summer. But afterwards things happened and things changed. I was blissfully unaware beforehand, and just thinking about what happened afterwards... well it is giving me anxiety. So much of this year was taken up by two main things. And they makes everything feel insignificant. They cloud over all the fricking amazing things I did this year. All the work achievements I had, all the personal milestones. It is hard to reflect because I just get caught up on these situations. Which makes me sad. I poured so much energy into them, I didn't have much energy for anything else. I wish I could rewrite this year in a lot of ways... but everything happens for a reason I suppose. Lessons to be learned. But this is the FIRST time I can wholeheartedly say that I have regret. Which is just sad, in itself. I have found myself contemplating what I would do differently if I could turn the clocks back to May.

I don't know where to start with what started to happen in May. I would say there were some good things that happened, and some bad, but I feel like every good thing that happened in May, is tainted. Every good memory I have from this month has somehow been over shadowed by something negative. And from here on out, that is exactly how the year panned out. And I feel like May is the month to blame for my pretty shitty year. Thinking about May is hard because everything is flooding back to me. I just want to forget it all. I want to so desperately move on and leave this year in the past, where it belongs. I want 2020 to be a fresh start. So badly.

I don't want to go into too much detail regarding May but let's just say, in an attempt to get over a situation, I got myself into another one. Classic Tamzin move. Guys are like buses, you'll be waiting ages for one and then two will come straight after one another. Not giving you time or space to recoup. Though I don't think with buses it's that deep. I thought the second bus was great. I thought it was exactly what I needed, at the right time. I thought everything was working out. I wasn't all-too-familiar with happiness, but I started to feel something some would describe as bliss. But then that spiralled in the wrong direction and took the year down a completely different path to one that I ever imagined.

Anyway, enough before I make myself sadder. Like I said, in May I went to Rome, as tainted as a trip it might have been, I still have a lot of fantastic memories and takeaways from it. It taught me so much about myself and other people. I went as part of the international travel awards scheme with Uni and honestly it was incredible.

I have actually had a brilliant year in terms of University and my career. I have worked in my Uni's marketing team, I have taken on client work on a freelance basis, I have made friends for life, I have secured my perfect internship, I have got some great grades back... all of which I have to focus on moving forward. I want to take the mindset I have towards my career into 2020. I am really proud of these achievements this year.

Honestly, I’m equally as sad about 2019 ending as I am happy. Yes, this year has been difficult so I’m glad to see the back of it, however I feel frustrated at the fact I wasted so much of my energy this year and when I look back, I just feel angry with myself for some of the choices I made. Though, I have to remind myself that everything does happen for a reason and I am going into 2020 as strong as ever.

From heartbreaking phone calls and life changing text messages, to multiple crying sessions and shutting myself in my flat for days, I think I can now say, I am stronger for it.

When I look back at my 2019 goals, some I achieved, and others I didn't. Which in hindsight, doesn't matter. That's all I have to say on that. I do not have the mental capacity to attempt to justify (nor should I have to) why I did or did not meet personal goals I made for myself. 

I'm learning to be ok with the fact 2019 sucked. 

I'm excited to learn how to make 2020 less sucky.

Goals... resolutions... whatever you want to call them, I am not going to make them this year... I don't think. Right now I don't feel the need to. I think throughout next year I will set smaller, manageable goals... ones that are easier to maintain and don't add too much pressure to my already crazy life. 

I am going to leave this post here as I don't want to think about all this New Years/last years stuff anymore. I just want to think about the future and focus on that instead. Although, I thought I would share a handful of my favourite blog posts from the last year, which articulated many of my messy thoughts better than I have here. 

One of the most intense blog posts I have ever written - Taking life one day at a time

Here's to 2020.

Tamzin xxx


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