Healing is not linear

"Healing is not linear" the quote read. I looked at my phone, and smiled, for the first time in a while. The quote was sent to me by my best friend, a few weeks ago, in the midst of the hardest days of my life. Seeing those words made me smile, as they reminded me how I just had to trust the process, no matter how hard, life altering, and frustrating it can be.


A strange thing to smile at, I imagine you're thinking. Yes, to extent. But I was smiling because I felt seen. I felt heard. I was reminded that I do have a support network around me, regardless of how many times my anxiety tries to inform me that I don't.

The hardest thing about healing is the unknown. Which I guess is probably the hardest thing about everything. The not knowing. How you can wake up some days and not know, have no clue whether the day is going to be a-ok, or cause you much distress, usually from one, seemingly tiny trigger. It's the unexpectedness of a relapse and how the anguish can just come out of nowhere. And that's what this quote is all about. It's all about how healing is a process, it comes in peaks and troughs. Some days will be a-ok and some days will be far from it. How it's the most intense roller coaster you'll ever board, how the pain you feel will come in waves.

I am not an angry person but I often get annoyed at myself, for not healing quicker, and not "bouncing back" as fast as I'd like. It isn't even down to external pressures, it is all brought on by myself. I get annoyed because I just want to feel ok, I just want to feel like myself again. But as I have been reminded many times, just trust the process. The sun will rise, and we will try again. As mine and said best friend's tattoos read. Having "and we will try again" on my wrist is a great reminder of such every single time I glance at it.

Some days I will feel "normal" and then the next I won't. And I'll complain to the ends of the earth about it. About how it's always 1 step forward and 2 steps back with me. But I began to realise that even if doing all of those steps - I am still moving forward. I am still making progress, and that is something to be proud of. It might take me a bit longer, but who cares?! I am getting there. And regardless of how long it takes, I am on my way.

Trusting people atm is really fricking difficult, so I am focusing my energy on trusting the process instead. I know I have said those words a million times in this post but that's kinda the point. Learning to trust when you feel like you really cannot is a true depiction of strength and character, and it's something I am really trying to work towards. If I have to take anything away from this, no matter how much life has tested me recently, how destroyed and broken it's left me, it is that I can grow. I can learn. I can be the change and make the change I want to.

I hate the whole "everything is lesson" etc mantra. Well, I didn't previously. I have written endless blog posts about how everything happens for a reason and it is what you take away from that is what matters. Though, as of recently, I am just exhausted. Too exhausted to be handed any more so called "life lessons". I have had enough. I know we can always learn but I do feel at full capacity when it comes to "self development" and what have you.

I might have only been alive for almost 20 years but I have learnt a lot. I hate being disregarded because of my age. You know the whole, "you're young", "these things don't matter", "wait till you get older" attitudes. As the very wise Andrea puts it, "you have been through way more in 20 years than the average person would even experience in their whole lifetime".

Hopefully the rest of 2020 will be filled with more healing, progress, self love. Scrap that, it WILL be. No hopefully about it. Let's get to work turning this year around and making it one to remember for all the RIGHT reasons.

And just a reminder, healing is not linear.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx

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