Public vs private

This blog post was written in November 2019 for context. I just forgot to post it due to all my recent stress (ironically) but I wanted to share as it is still relevant, even more so now in a way! There's other reasons I haven't been posting recently and why sometimes I don't post at all (for example, the absence of my YouTube videos) but stress is always a main contributor whenever I go MIA. Sorry 'bout that. Speaking of which, and current times, I am starting to get back on track with being more regular with posting, and it feels so good to pour so much positive energy into something! It is nice to have a hobby again and like I say at the end of this post, writing and having this outlet certainly has an impact on my wellbeing!

Maintaining a private life when you've made so much of it public over the past 4 years is tricky.

I often go through times in my life when I stop posting on Instagram, my YouTube and my blog, because I just feel a bit stuck. I'm stuck because there's often a lot going on behind the scenes that I don't wish to talk about, and because it's taking up a lot of my time and energy, I don't know what else there is to discuss.

I can't focus on anything else and I tend to loose any creative streaks I usually have. I struggle to balance the whole public vs private life, so if things get too much personally, I'd rather just stop posting publicly altogether. It gives me breathing space and thinking time, whilst also stopping me from over sharing.

I also think that I am rather desperate to not portray one of those fake, perfect "insta lives" and in order not to do so, I just don't post when times are hard, rather than posting and pretending to be "happy". I guess in a way, this is contributing to the narrative as I don't always show the hard times, but trust me, you don't want to share the more difficult moments. It just makes them more difficult. If this blog post has any purpose, take it as a reminder that nothing - or no-one - is perfect, and what you see online isn't a true representation of what is really going on.

That is not saying that everyone is leading a fake, online life, it's saying that I am very sure there are other creators out there like me who struggle to find the right balance between over sharing and under posting. #firstworldproblems!

One thing I will draw attention to however is how much I struggle with stress. I just don't cope with it well at all. Everything within me just tends to shut down once my brain goes into overdrive. Computer says no, sorta vibe. I have to really minimise my commitments when I am stressed, as I find it so hard to focus. Things have to get prioritised, and well, de-prioritised. Something I have gotten better at is prioritising myself, I have gotten better at standing my ground and learning how to say "no". I am such a people pleaser by nature (you should all know this by now) so I actually used to take on extra stress, worried that I'll disappoint or let someone else down if I had to turn down their requests. Once I learnt to be a little bit selfish, I have gotten so much better at maintaining some level of sanity ;)

I am going to leave this here before I ramble all day!! I hope some of it made sense, but you guys know by now that these blog posts are just word-vomit, and in fact help me muchly when I am stressed! It is actually crazy how therapeutic writing is for me, getting it all out on a blog post is such a relief, even if I don't go into every single detail. When I don't write, which I hadn't for a while before this post, I really notice a difference in myself.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx


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