To tell you the truth, I haven't felt like I've had anything to say for a while. For a long while. Anything of purpose, anything I wish to put out onto this blog. My last post was about the TV show "Normal People" because after I had watched it, I had thoughts and feelings spilling out from every possible orifice on me. It spurred up so much within me, that I had to cumulate those thoughts and put those somewhere. Other than that, words have been few and far between on this blog. Maybe it's because I've been using them all up, all the words and all the thoughts and all the feelings on a project I am working on right now... maybe that's why...
I have also spoken about this before, A LOT, both here on my blog and my YouTube channel, about how I have this immense fear of posting when I have a lot going on in my life, when I am anxious etc. It makes my anxiety so. much. worse. I haven't just neglected this blog, yet again, I've neglected my YouTube channel too. I can just about manage some fashion posts on my Instagram, that feels safe. But opening up, being intimate, and often vulnerable, online, just feels so incredibly overwhelming when I am not in the best headspace. All eyes on me, it just makes me feel so uneasy. I want my online spaces to all be safe, and happy, not just for me, but for you too. I feel like I am constantly justifying my decision to take so called "breaks" from posting content, when I don't think anyone minds that much, or even really cares. (I don't blame ya!) I just get paranoid that I am letting people down. It's a mixture of the vulnerability aspect and also just wanting to hide away. My life is a series of existential crisis', and that is no exaggeration. I have multiple of these crisis' a month, they are never ending. I am constantly questioning myself, the value of me, the value of my life. What does it all mean? What is the point, the purpose? That's starting to sound dark, and my honest thoughts on the matter are best saved for another day. If you want more thoughts on the whole internet vulnerability thang, my post Public vs Private does a better job at explaining it. Read it here.
I absolutely love creating content online. I do it for a job. I am a social media manager for numerous businesses, which I absolutely adore. I just get less motivated when it comes to own. Hiding behind a business account sounds much more appealing, more often that not. I want to post again, I want to find a rhythm. I want to find a way to post that feels okay, that feels approachable and manageable. I am very much an all or nothing kind of person, and this applies to every aspect of my life. I am trying to be more balanced, I am constantly striving for that happy medium, that solid, comfortable, middle ground. I want to post in a way that doesn't feel daunting, that feels nice, whilst I am still undertaking the biggest healing process I have ever experienced. I don't know how long the process will take, but I know it'll be long, so bare with me. I don't want to put my life on hold, but at the same time, I need to look after me too. I am sure you understand, so sorry for waffling. Sometimes it is just good to get it all out, and when I start, I cannot stop.
I am sending my love and best wishes to you all, thank you for being with me on this corner of the web for almost 5 years now. It's been a crazy ride and it will continue to be one. Nothing's ever smooth sailing for Tamzin, as we know. I know I don't divulge a lot of personal details but I am grateful for your support and understanding none the less.
You'll seen me again soon, in written form, in video form. I'm just taking it easy, pacing myself.
Bye for now,