Anxiety be rid

*Warning. Incoming, word dump. Word dump? You know, like a brain dump. Ahead there's a lot of words, many of which I am not sure make much sense, but I am hoping you'll get the general idea.*

I don’t think there will ever be a time in my life where I am completely, utterly, anxiety free. In my head, unfortunately, there is always something to be anxious about. As a matter of fact, a fact I have mentioned previously on this blog, my anxiety actually gets worse when I am happier. When my depression is worse, I have more of a.. “who gives a fuck?” attitude, I won’t or don’t care when things go wrong, where as when I’m happier, well, there’s more to lose. 

I’d love to be anxiety free one day. I’d love to be able to say, anxiety be rid! Be gone! and it actually disappear. To live a life where I am not constantly battling overwhelming, all-consuming, traumatising negative thoughts, would be bliss. I can’t even fathom what that would actually be like. I actually can’t believe it when someone tells me they don’t have anxiety. Like how, how do you go through life, not second guessing yourself, your decisions, your life, and every single person’s intentions?! Everyone’s anxieties are different, but I can say I pretty much get anxious about everything, ever. Even when I say that, I don’t think people really fully grasp what that is like.

It isn’t just feeling nervous about how your day will unfold. It’s being in turmoil about every, little, thing. From being convinced that your family and friends hate you, to worrying you’ll never be loved, to questioning your life choices, rethinking past mistakes and reliving humiliation, to simply panicking and fretting that leaving 30 minutes early for the bus at the end of your road is not enough time. It’s draining, it really is. I get general anxiety, and anxiety about isolated events. Something happened over 6 months ago now, and for that duration, it is all that has been on my mind. It’s over, now, finally, as of today. I have dreamt of today, propelling towards it, praying today will be the day that I will finally be anxiety free.. before remembering I have generalised anxiety disorder and it just doesn’t work like that.

As much as some of my stresses and worries will melt away after today, I am an anxious person. It’s part of who I am. I’ve resented that part of me for so long, but after all, it’s here to protect me. It just so happens that part of me is a huge drama queen and blows everything out of proportion. She can’t rationalise, she lives in fear. I need to be kinder to her, that part of I. I need to teach her and remind her that everything is going to be okay, and that has been proven. Things do and will get better, and she needs to calm the fuck down. Anxiety has ruined a lot of things for me. I can’t snap my fingers and get rid of it completely, unfortunately, but I can learn to live and deal with it. It’s like making a deal with the devil, I need to be kind to my demons and hopefully they’ll be kind to me in return.

I've started manifesting recently, and from this I have learnt to stop saying things like, I think, or I wish.. (tentative terms) and instead say things as if they have already happened. So instead of wishing I could be anxiety free one day, I will say, I am anxiety free, right now. No ifs or buts, I am anxiety free. I manifested something on my blog the other day, and it came true, so here is me, manifesting on here once again. Hey Universe, do as I say please! Anxiety be rid.. and they all lived happily, ever, after.

Bye for now,
Tamzin xxx

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