Posts

Adam

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This post is a personal one.  I did the only thing I knew how to do when I was in pain and that was write, so here goes. One of my most cherished friends, Adam, passed away yesterday.  It is with an extremely heavy heart and tears rolling down my face that I type that. I am struggling to find the words to write, so instead I am going to tell you about him.  The first thing I want to say is that Adam was my biggest fan, my greatest supporter. From the day I met him. It stings knowing that he'll never read this, but I know he is watching over me as I am writing it. He shared all of my social media posts with his friends, always encouraging people to follow along. He was such a cheerleader for everything I did. I always felt really reassured because of this. He told me often how proud he was of me and it meant so much, knowing that I had someone who truly believed in everything I did. He would send me "daily reminders", he would call them, where he'd tell me that I was a

Adam: one year on

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https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/adam21 One year ago, my beloved Adam passed away and I wrote about it on this blog . I don't write on this blog anymore, but I wanted to today, to reflect on the past year, grief, and what it all has taught me... if you want to know more about Ads, read the previous post here . I am sat staring at the photo above, wondering how I ended up here. You don't expect to be in mourning at the age of 21, for someone your age who you lost so tragically. How has the past year flown, yet dragged? How has he not been here for 365 days? So many questions swirling round my mind, and every time I really concentrate on the fact that he isn't here, it still feels so alien, even a year later. Like it cannot be fathomed, like it's so far out of any reality I expected to unfold. It hurts, but I am still numb at the same time. At the 6 month mark, I wrote about it. To him . I never shared it anywhere, but as part of this post, I want to reflect on what

Normal People

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Over the past two nights I have binge watched the TV show Normal People. After hearing rave reviews, I knew I had to check it out, and to be honest, in it's own way, it was perfect. Emphasis on in its own way. Allow me to explain. Love isn't perfect. It never is. And that's the point of this whole show. To show an accurate, raw and honest depiction of love in the current age. To show how sometimes, even two people loving each other, isn't enough for a relationship to work, or even be healthy. I've heard people exclaim that they wish the ending was different, that they wish they ended up together properly, living their best lives. But in my opinion, that would have completely ruined the show, on reflection. As much as we ship Connell and Marianne, and want them to be together, it wouldn't have made sense for this nitty gritty drama to suddenly become an airy fairy romance tale with the picture perfect happy ending. It was never going to be that. Like I sa

How destiny encourages us to let go

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Over the past few years, I have become such an advocate of fate. The idea that life you know is so fragile, because if you'd done one little thing differently, everything could be, oh so different. Yet, recently, my thoughts and feels on this have started to change. I began to consider how that fragility effects my mental health, and thus the actions performed by me. I began to question how the idea of fate makes me stressed, as I overthink every decision I make anyway. Thinking that something is such "fate" often persuades us to hold onto it, for a bit longer, even if it isn't right. "Oh but it felt just like fate!" or "it was totally in the stars!" = clouded judgement and stubbornness when it comes to things that don't align with that original belief. Ignoring signs, red flags and inconsistencies because they don't play into our romanticised idea of fate and what it holds... Instead, I have began to explore the idea of destiny. Ma

Dear reader, let me talk to you about letter writing and self reflection.

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A fun fact about me: I write. A LOT. You probably know that already, because you know, you're here, reading this. But I don't just write what I publish. I write things that I would never post online, including poems and letters. I have mentioned before about letter writing. The funny thing is though, I write letters that I never send, and I have done for years.  I actually laughed out loud when the film "To all the boys I've loved before" was released on Netflix, because I was so similar to Lara Jean in that way. Over the years, I have written an abundance of letters, not just to people I have "loved before", but to friends, old and new, family members that I do and don't see, amongst others. Whenever I really want to tell someone something - without actually telling them, I'll write them a letter. Sometimes a physical letter, sometimes ones typed and saved onto my computer. I am thankful though - that as of yet - not of the recipients ha

A cherry pie isn't a failure just because you ate it all

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Over a year ago now I wrote a post named " What makes a successful relationship? ". I wrote it because I was curious. I wrote it in defence to an altercation I had. I wrote it because I was looking for validation. The whole post was one big discussion about the definition of success, in relation to well, relationships. And when I say relationships, I mean all kinds, romantic and not. I spoke about how all relationships don't have to be society's definition of successful, to be successful for you. I did a lot of reading when I was writing that post, and I couldn't find a source that said what I was trying to say. And then last month, I read a book. It was called "When we collided". And it said what I have been trying to say, for this past year. "That's the thing they never tell you about love stories: just because one ends, that doesn't mean it failed. A cherry pie isn't a failure just because you ate it all. It's perfect

The mess becomes a map once you know how to use it

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“I’m a mess” or "it's a mess" is something I feel like I say and a lot of others say, often .  We toss it around, we call ourselves disastrous and complicated. We are so quick to label situations catastrophic and tricky.  I recently read a quote in the book “Open Road Summer” which totally has inspired this post. “The mess becomes a map once you know how to use it”. It really struck a chord with me. It was used when describing the sky, and the stars that are around our planet, however I feel like it can and does apply to our lives too. The mess that we seemingly have created in the short time we have been on this earth can guide us to make better, well informed choices in the future.  There is a lot of talk at the moment about the butterfly effect, and how every, *seemingly small*, decision we make influences and impacts the next one. If we didn’t make bad decisions (/A MESS) we might not be where we are today and if we didn’t make good decisions we also mi