Posts

Adam

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One of my most cherished friends, Adam, passed away yesterday. It is with an extremely heavy heart and tears rolling down my face that I type that. I am struggling to find the words to write, so instead I am going to tell you about him. The first thing I want to say is that Adam was my biggest fan, my greatest supporter. From the day I met him, he read every single one of my blog posts, and watched every video too. It stings knowing that he'll never read this, but I know he is watching over me as I am writing it. He shared all of my social media posts with his friends, always encouraging people to read and watch. He was such a cheerleader for everything I did. I always felt really reassured because of this. He told me often how proud he was of me and it meant so much, knowing that I had someone who truly believed in everything I did. He would send me "daily reminders", he would call them, where he'd tell me that I was amazing. His encouragement and belief in me was ev…

Happy Birthday, Blog

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Last Saturday, August 15th, my blog, this blog, turned 5 years old.I started this website on Saturday, August 15th 2015. And what a wild 5 years it has been. So much has happened, and I have documented it all here. Well, most of it. You've seen so much, from my thoughts on some lipsticks to intimate confessions. This blog has been my outlet for so long, my escape. It has been my therapy, my place to turn when I feel like I have nowhere to go. It has taught me so much, not just about the internet, but about myself. I am so proud of my journey and I can't wait to keep sharing it with you. Thanks to this blog I have bagged amazing work opportunities, started a YouTube channel, met lifelong friends, gained confidence, and so much more. It has really become such a big part of who I am and it's responsible for all of that, plus a lot of things up here - mentally. It was my distraction when I was being bullied in school, a place to muse whenever I'm under stress (which if you&…

Anxiety be rid

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*Warning. Incoming, word dump. Word dump? You know, like a brain dump. Ahead there's a lot of words, many of which I am not sure make much sense, but I am hoping you'll get the general idea.*I don’t think there will ever be a time in my life where I am completely, utterly, anxiety free. In my head, unfortunately, there is always something to be anxious about. As a matter of fact, a fact I have mentioned previously on this blog, my anxiety actually gets worse when I am happier. When my depression is worse, I have more of a.. “who gives a fuck?” attitude, I won’t or don’t care when things go wrong, where as when I’m happier, well, there’s more to lose.  I’d love to be anxiety free one day. I’d love to be able to say, anxiety be rid! Be gone! and it actually disappear. To live a life where I am not constantly battling overwhelming, all-consuming, traumatising negative thoughts, would be bliss. I can’t even fathom what that would actually be like. I actually can’t believe it when s…

Thoughts from the air #2

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At lot has happened in 2020. For everyone. Not to brag, but COVID-19 has been the least of my worries for the most of it. This year has seen me struggle in ways that I didn’t know were possible. Crippling anxiety, debilitating depression, taken to the extreme. I started 2020 with high hopes, which by the end of January were shattered. I hoped my 20th trip around the sun would be my best one yet, but the universe had other plans.
I’m doing it. I am going on an adventure! With me, myself & I. I can’t tell you how liberating it feels. I’m rather spontaneous - so a last minute getaway wasn’t too crazy to me, more just the fact the only person I’m sharing this experience with is you, reader. I’m here telling you my innermost thoughts as I’m high in the sky, watching the people and buildings and cars and roads below fade to nothing as the plane ascends into a sea of clouds...
I’m off on a city break of a lifetime - well, that’s what I hope it will be. I didn’t know much about Bordeaux bef…

Life

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Hey.

To tell you the truth, I haven't felt like I've had anything to say for a while. For a long while. Anything of purpose, anything I wish to put out onto this blog. My last post was about the TV show "Normal People" because after I had watched it, I had thoughts and feelings spilling out from every possible orifice on me. It spurred up so much within me, that I had to cumulate those thoughts and put those somewhere. Other than that, words have been few and far between on this blog. Maybe it's because I've been using them all up, all the words and all the thoughts and all the feelings on a project I am working on right now... maybe that's why...

I have also spoken about this before, A LOT, both here on my blog and my YouTube channel, about how I have this immense fear of posting when I have a lot going on in my life, when I am anxious etc. It makes my anxiety so. much. worse. I haven't just neglected this blog, yet again, I've neglected my YouTu…

Normal People

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Over the past two nights I have binge watched the TV show Normal People. After hearing rave reviews, I knew I had to check it out, and to be honest, in it's own way, it was perfect. Emphasis on in its own way. Allow me to explain.


Love isn't perfect. It never is. And that's the point of this whole show. To show an accurate, raw and honest depiction of love in the current age. To show how sometimes, even two people loving each other, isn't enough for a relationship to work, or even be healthy. I've heard people exclaim that they wish the ending was different, that they wish they ended up together properly, living their best lives. But in my opinion, that would have completely ruined the show, on reflection. As much as we ship Connell and Marianne, and want them to be together, it wouldn't have made sense for this nitty gritty drama to suddenly become an airy fairy romance tale with the picture perfect happy ending. It was never going to be that. Like I said, it …

Looking back on my 20 before 20 list

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I turn 20 at the end of April and even saying that, well, it sounds kinda scary. I can't believe that I have (at the time of writing this) 44 days left of being a teenager. (I wrote this post a while back... now I only have 15!!!)

In some ways, I am apprehensive about "being in my twenties" and in other ways, I am so excited. I feel like my twenties will be the years I really come into myself after having a horrible experience being a teenager. The only reason I am sad about this part of my life ending is that I worry that I will get too caught up on what these years should have, could have and would have been if X,Y, Z didn't happen. I've come to realise though, that everything does happen for a reason, and I am looking forward to going into my twenties as strong as ever.


I thought it would be fun to look back on the list of 20 things I wanted to do before I turned 20, which I made last year as I turned 19. I filmed myself talking through the list for my YouTube…